Just to explain:

I just realized that I haven't actually explained what the basic situation is around here. Given all the weird stuff that's been going on, I should probably explain things in case this gets preserved for posterity. Or evidence.

Anyway, here's the deal: I'll start with John. John is... well, he's got money, from somewhere. His mom's a senator or something. He's unemployed, kind of a slob, and he spends a lot of time dropping things out the window and trying to hit people walking by. He's pretty good at it. Still, he covers most of the rent. I don't know why he needed a room mate. He seems to have plenty of money. Lonely, I guess, but it's not like he talks to me all that much. I guess he just likes having some kind of human presence around the place. It'd cost me a hundred and fifty a month to live anywhere else, so I put up with it.

He's okay with women, I guess. He looks okay, and has some freaky metabolic thing going on so that, in spite of his awful diet, he isn't fat. I think he has a tapeworm. Actually, it could be that he's slowly dying of malnutrition, and the weight loss from his organ failure is temporary offsetting the weight gain from eating nothing but beer and junk food. He never stays with any of the girls for very long, though. He has an apathy that borders on the pathological, so that's not surprising.

I'm Ben, by the way. I work at a coffee shop on Ash and Birch. It's not a bad gig. Gives me plenty of time to myself. Doesn't pay that great, but it's a living. I have a girlfriend, named April. Things've been a little rough, lately, but I think we're over the worst of it.

John and I get along okay, I guess. Actually, we usually don't even talk, unless it's about what to watch on TV, or who ate the last marshmallow (John. Always John.) It's kind of like we're in one of those joyless, sexless marriages of convenience.

I think that's most of it. You already know about the fridge and stuff. I'm still seriously considering the possibility that John has sold his soul. If so, the devil got ripped off something fierce.