John got a car today. Well, sort of. It showed up in front of our place this morning. It must've showed up while I was sleeping. I've got to set up cameras or something. It's a nice car. Kind of generic, actually. At first I thought it was a Lotus Elise, but it didn't quite have that swoop to the body. There was some Aston Martin in it too, and possibly a little bit of Cadillac around the hood. It looked like the kind of nice car someone who didn't know anything about cars would wish for. The hood ornament was just a silver blob.
I was kinda pissed about it, because it meant we had to pay for a parking spot in the garage across the street, which John would probably try to make us split. When I raised this perfectly reasonable objection, John stopped attempting to shotgun a ginger-ale with a safety pin (with about the success you'd expect), and went outside to show me the car. Now, at this point, I had pretty much figured out that the car was in the same vein as the fridge and Jeeves. I wasn't sure exactly what that vein was, but I could see a pattern there.
Still, the car had a lot of little quirks that I wasn't expecting when I took a closer look. For starters, it had no steering wheel. There was no key hole, no shifter, no pedals. The rough shape of the thing was there, with some vague bulges to indicate where these things would normally be, with an indentation across the top filled with three dials that displayed speed, miles, and (for some reason) altitude. Gas was not mentioned. Also, there were no back seats. There was a space for them, but it was empty, and connected directly to the trunk. The seats reclined all the way back. Also, they weren't quite normal car seats. They were more like easy chairs with seatbelts. They had arm rests.
Now, you'll probably be asking how the hell John drove a car without a steering column or gas. And the answer is that he didn't. Frankly, I don't think the man had a driver's license. He just got in, mashed his palm into the dash, and the car moved. I think it was mostly autonomous. He drove it around the block a couple of times, and I have to admit I was impressed with the way it handled. It made no noise, didn't shake. I barely felt the acceleration, didn't feel a single bump or pothole in the road. It moved beautifully. I remember asking him if it was electric, and he looked blank, and shrugged.
He let me out in front of the apartment building, and then drove it to the garage. I recall noticing that the tires didn't spin. It moved across the busy intersection, totally ignoring oncoming traffic. It just sort of slinked through the gaps between cars.
A little later, I went out for a smoke, and I noticed the car parked in the alley behind the apartment building. I wasn't really surprised to see that there was nobody inside. Also, it was eating out of the garbage. Honestly, that would have shocked me a lot more before I caught the fridge with it's proboscis down the drain (yes, it was coming out of the freezer compartment; no, I haven't tried to open it). When I caught it, it withdrew its mouthpieces, closed it's grill, and backed a few feet down the alley to stare at me. At this point I realized that, although it's headlights glowed, they did not actually emit enough light to illuminate anything. The car faced me for a few seconds, as though examining me, then slowly backed out of the alley and drove away. I finished my cigarette, ground it out under my foot, and went back inside.
There's a lot I'm willing to put up with for a cheap apartment. The mess: fine. The bizarre and disturbing personal habits: Fine. Supernaturally-equipped and semi-animate furniture, servants, and possessions? Fine. It's none of my business. John's covering the garage under his own pay, anyway.
